Catherine Bussiere: Clutter

Clutter: “a collection of things lying about in an untidy mass”

I’d say that describes my immediate surrounding pretty well

I got up this morning thinking about a blog
There’s always a few possibilities
First I went around the house and took some pictures
I like to frame things just as they are
I find beauty in my clutter

I thought about a couple phone calls I made yesterday
One to my sister who finally came out of the hospital
She’s had cancer, many operations, chemo, radio, the whole thing
She’s out on recovery row
She has to rebuilt herself from the inside out
It’s a long road, at the moment she is tired all around

I talked to a good friend of mine who lives too far away
Not just hello, hello; a real talk
I hadn’t talked to her in ages, maybe two years
From her I received a great Christmas card
Featuring her beautiful self; a 40 something women with gorgeous grey hair
She’s from Portuguese descent, has a wonderful olive complexion and doesn’t dye her hair
I love it
She is surrounded by her three kids age 4, 6 and 11
She is a single mom forever finishing her master in health or something

The card didn’t give me any signs
It seemed like all was good
If anything the card prompted me to call
First I didn’t reach her, so I left a message
Then I got a message on Facebook and it didn’t sound good
I offered to listen, she agreed, I called again, she picked up

It was a conversation filled with pain
After a long talk of the latest distress we took a left to an old dirt road and amongst the desolation found some gems
It was at times a scary ride but by the end she felt better
or so she said

On this January morning, under a grey sky, at the end of my dirt road I feel lucky
The clutter that surrounds me is so much more manageable then what I heard

 

 

a pack of worry is a heavy load

Dear Diary, My sister Donna who works at mental health mentioned to me recently that anxiety is one of the biggest growing issues that people are facing. I know many people, especially women who tell me they “worry”. Worry is ?something we all know to be futile, yet many of us struggle with it. ?Sometimes on my walk I find myself imaging the worst possible scenario of the simplest of situations and then I need to remind myself that my fertile mind is causing me grief and I rein that wild horse in. ?I just get it back in the stables and the wild horse takes off again in another direction. I rein it back in again. Sometimes this goes on for hours. Then I start to look for solutions.

I eat…maybe I’m hungry.

I walk…I need to walk it off.

I go visit someone…I need to get engaged because I spent too much time alone.

I work and lose my mind in productivity.

One friend of mine told me she staves off the horses by ?meditation, and by practicing a little reiki on herself.

Another person me she just keeps busy.

Another person told ?me she bakes and gives it away.

Another person works at the food bank, another person takes in stray cats, another person walks across the country to raise money for something…I made the last four up, but they are out there. Maybe you know them.

The thing is we all have our little struggles. Every little soul has a pack on their back, that they have to lift off now and again to give themselves a rest.

Me and millions of other people worry too much.

worry’s no good

whatever you worry about won’t happen

worry eats away at you

We know all this stuff, still we worry. Thankfully we get to add a few things to our back packs ourselves, skills to deal with stuff. As adults, we learn our own solutions. We learn that rest, good food, clean living, exercise, mindfulness, prayer, love, kindness, faith and belief are things we need to pack and carry with us all the time. We need to use them to counter worry, fear, loss or loneliness, or whatever other things we carry.

So today off I go now, stepping away from tension, towards peace, it’s my decision to do that, and some days it takes a bit of thought and effort.

 

 

 

 

 

 

sometimes you gotta be that friend

Dear Diary, now that you have had your lemon tea, and taken some good care of yourself… see the last entry…you might feel a little better. I am slowly working on a rug and doing that deliberately because I find I rush through things because I am excited about them. Why I ask myself …does this need to be done by Friday? There is rarely a reason just my natural sense of impending deadlines…deadlines that do not exist. So when my almost fourteen year old daughter walked into the studio and said “You wanna do something?” I put down the hook and hit the road. We had a day together, a bite of sushi and a good drive in the car, a bit of Christmas shopping. Nice day, another little dose of joy for November. Just up and leave whatever you are doing … well maybe not a cake in the oven, be careful….and follow someone else’s tune. As mothers we should be used to it. It is easier than you think. We all love that friend who is always game when you call them, the one who drops everything and jumps in the car with you. Sometimes you gotta be that friend.

This week I baby sat for a friend. The baby was five weeks old, so it was just a matter of rocking and cuddling. When I look at that tiny baby I realize that the baby knows how to just be…in fact that is almost all she knows. When your own children are babies, there is so much to do. When I was at my friend’s house and the phone rang I did not even answer it cause I was with the baby. Because I was with the baby I could just be too. Since I left there when I start to worry or fret I think of her little face, and the little silky eyelids as she was falling off to sleep and I remember that worry is no good. Her little face reminds me of that, her soft little body snuggling into mine is like a tonic.

So now I am going back at my rug, just for a bit. I’ll finish a rose, and play with my wool.

frivolity counts

Dear Diary, today I had another baby in my life, an eight month old came to visit for the afternoon. He could chuckle and grin. It made me get out the old farm my kids used to play with. So nice to have a baby around. I had a beautiful day. My  daughter and I went to supper at a friend’s house, who had us laughing ourselves silly. In the morning, I went to the Ymca fashion show where my son was volunteering. I had a long walk, a few visits and worked on a scarf project.

I thought about my comment in yesterday’s blog about dressing up like the doll you are. Every time I went into my closet and it made me concentrate my efforts a bit more. It made think about what scarf to wear, what shirt, what mitts…frivolous, completely frivolous and lovely to be that. I think frivolity is something you feel when you free yourself from worry and anxiety, and if that’s the case, even if you feel it for just moments at a time, then it is satisfying and beautiful. We undermine light heartedness, by referring to it as frivolous, when we should be embracing it with big happy hearts.

When I came home tonight there was a tray of cookies left on my doorstep from a friend, sitting there in the dark on my boughs and rosehips. They looked so happy to see me…or was it the other way around? Sometimes you know that a day has been sweet. It can never be repeated but you hope there’ll be others just as kind to you.