Every year I start preparing for my fall workshop a year in advance.

Every year I am afraid. You might not know that about me. That I am scared. 

Scared I won’t know enough. Scared it will not be good. Scared. Anxious. Worried. 

I prepare for it for months. I work hard at it. I am ready. I know I am ready but still I am never sure. I never take it for granted.

One woman told me she taught six classes a year at university and she was always nervous before every class. Thank you for telling me. I feel less alone.

I want it to be beautiful. The first day is always so hard because there is so much to cover. There is so much to say, to do, to learn. 

Hard but good. You can feel that people are taking things in st the end of the first day. 

By the second day you can see eyes lighting up with idea. You see hearts open. You see rugs on their way, but mostly you see people on their way. You see their art spirits emerging.

The morning of the third day I walk on and I am not scared anymore. I am in good company. We have talked and reassured each other. I have made friendships. I know names. I see the soulfulness in each person instead of their name tag. That is why I love the third day. There is a magic in the air that comes with knowing there is only so much time left for the work that has to be done.

Best of all, I am not scared anymore. I believe again. I know that people have learned and that I have more to give. 

The day ends with a beautiful feeling. A kind of elation. Joy. Purpose. All in the pursuit of art. It is good. 

And then everyone goes home and I say a little prayer that they will carry the ideas and the spirit of the workshop with them as they make their mats. I pray that they will find the artist inside themselves.

Then I look to my own work. I think about next year and I am not scared. I am sure. And I relish that feeling because I know it will go away and I will be scared again. Because that is how it is.

And that unsureness will insure that I will work hard and make and create. It will make me make. And that is a good thing. Not to be too sure of oneself. To question, to study, to learn. 

It is the artist in you stewing. 

It is the teacher in you wanting to teach. 

It is the student in you learning.

It is your little soul stirring. 

But you do it even if you are afraid. 

You should. You have to. You will. 

3 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. It was such a wonderful class. Every year gets better and I always get something out of it. I loved this class and I think …no I know that I will continue to explore the abstract rug. Already planning on doing a series of flower abstracts. I love that I can play with colour and there are no boundaries. I will do it for myself and if it speaks to others that would be nice but if it does not that is ok too. As long as I explore and put a bit of myself in each one I will be happy and I will learn. This style really spoke to me and thank you Deanne for that….I think you opened a lot of eyes as evidenced by the final showing of rugs. They were all so good and so individual. Even though some of us started with your patterns I think we made them our own and I think that is a success in itself. You were a great facilitator and your rugs were definitely an inspiration. The third day is the culmination of our learning and ease with each other. It is magical!
    I would recommend one of Deannes classes to anyone who has the opportunity to take one. It is a learning experience that involves the mind ….the soul ….and the spirit.
    Thank you again and thanks to all the ladies at the shop. They work so hard…
    Hugs joni


  2. Deanne, I love your post. I keep telling myself, it’s okay, be afraid and do it anyway. You always express yourself so poetically and I love it! You continue to inspire me! The picture of the rug on my account is a ‘copy’ of one that I started in your studio. That year I played concertina for you all. My daughter told me she wanted it, right after it sold. So I made her another one, bigger and a little different. Thanks again!

    Karen Light


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